Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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