apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
