I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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