Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
