I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
