ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
