She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
