Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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