She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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