Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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