Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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