i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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