BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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