I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
