I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Don't make out with my wife yet
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
