I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
