went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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