Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
