I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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