hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
