I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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