If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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