thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
