Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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