You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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