I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
