Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
