Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You're like the curious george of whores
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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