end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
