So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
