Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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