guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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