I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
