All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Who died my cat blue again?
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