I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
As shirtless as possible
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
