I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Farmville is her only friend.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
