there's paper in my vomit.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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