Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
