fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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