life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
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He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
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Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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