I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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