I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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