I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
