Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
