I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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