Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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