it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
