I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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