I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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