He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
