my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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