I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
