The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
