I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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