I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
