So drunk, too bad you don't want this
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
