this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
