i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
