Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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