FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
