I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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